'Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire' review: Two icons, no reason to care

There's life left in the "Godzilla" franchise, and it was seen in last year's "Godzilla Minus One," a monster movie made at human scale, which made you care about things like story, character and yes, that big radioactive lizard at the center of all the chaos.

"Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" was already in the bag by the time "Godzilla Minus One" surfaced, so it had no time to learn any of its lessons. But it could have benefitted from them, any of them, because even while this monster mash features two larger than life mega movie icons, it can't find a single interesting thing to do with either of them.

OK, there's one. Godzilla, who stomps around the globe leaving a wake of destruction in his path (what else is new?), occasionally gets sleepy, and when he does, he curls up inside the Colosseum in Rome, like the family dog plopping down in its bed. That's a good bit. And it stands out in a movie that could use a lot more of them.

"Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" picks up after 2021's "Godzilla vs. Kong," and the "x" between their names signifies that they're not so much feuding anymore as they're working on a brand collab. (This movie is their collab.) They're off doing their own thing, with Kong in Hollow Earth and Godzilla's whereabouts on the surface closely monitored by a team of scientist-types tasked with keeping eyes on him. And there's peace between the two parties, sort of, until there's not.

Kong, who runs afoul with a new bunch of giant beasts, pops up to Earth through the portal that's been set up for him because he's got a cracked tooth, which is fixed by Trapper (Dan Stevens), who plays a freewheeling rock and roll dentist with feathered hair and an Aussie accent. (At least Stevens is having fun.) Trapper is part of a team of humans who follow Kong back down to Hollow Earth and are occasionally asked to spell out the details of the film's plot, which are wholly convoluted and nearly impossible to make heads or tails of.

Rebecca Hall is Dr. Ilene Andrews, and she's forced to explain things like Godzilla's moods, and how it affects all the screen goings-on. Ilene has an adopted daughter, Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who speaks to Kong in sign language and is the last of her Iwi tribe. Brian Tyree Henry plays a paranoid podcaster who's always talking about livestreams and his followers. This group serves to narrate the story, such as it is, while the monsters get prepped for another big showdown.

Godzilla and Kong aren't alone. Kong comes across a gang of evil Kongs, led by Skar King, who carries a whip made from some monster's vertebrae, which looks like a weapon out of "Mortal Kombat." He's also got his own Godzilla-type monster, whose breath spews a freezing agent, whom he keeps as an enslaved pet. There's also a Diddy Kong-like red-haired little guy, because as Baby Yoda and the mini-Stay Puft Marshmallow Men have shown, we love tiny, cute versions of our favorite screen characters (and they make great plush toys).

Fights ensue, because of course they do, and what else would they be doing here if not destroying cities and world landmarks into piles of rubble. (Sorry, pyramids, you were fun while you lasted.) Here's the thing though: At this point in movie history — and in Godzilla and Kong history, who have more than 50 movies between them — we've seen all the monster clashes and city destroying we ever need to see, and unless there's a human element to grasp onto, it's all just a whir of digital effects and CGI vomit with no emotional connection or reason to invest.

"Godzilla Minus One" worked not because of how big it was, but because of how small it was, and the care with which it was made. "Godzilla x Kong" wants to be a top-of-the-line, all-out battle of the brutes, but for all its size, it barely manages to hold your attention, because there's no human element at its core.

Director Adam Wingard — who, it should be noted, gave Stevens his best film role in 2014's Goth-tinged '80s homage "The Guest" — at least attempts to lighten things up and bring some levity to the proceedings, but it's mostly a lost cause. "Godzilla x Kong" is as big and loud as expected, but when the dust is settled, there's nothing to hold onto. The kaiju clash is a crushing bore.

agraham@detroitnews.com

'Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire'

GRADE: C-

Rated PG-13: for creature violence and action

Running time: 115 minutes

In theaters